So, basically every morning during our eighth grade year, you sat with mom and I in my dad’s red plymouth, a slant six, I can’t remember what model. Man, I’m gonna’ have to ask mom about that car, I remember my dad loved it. I will never forget that one morning with the egg sandwich. As a kid, I usually skipped eating breakfast, but for some reason this particular morning mom decided to make me an egg sandwich, later to my dismay I found she left the yolk in it. I split the sandwich in half and gave one half to you, I didn’t want to eat it in front of you. As I passed your half to you in a napkin, the yolk drizzled into my perfectly fitted black pencil skirt with the split up the back, the one you loved! I saw you laugh, I know you tried to hide it, but I saw you. We both laughed. I was not pleased about it, that little stain on my skirt.

But you always knew how to put a smile on my face, always. You said, “Well no one is looking at the front of your skirt anyway” It was almost insulting, remember the stupid look I gave you? Still, being a naive little girl, I took it as a compliment. Then, it happened. You were trying to be all traditional, attempting to hold the door open for me and close it behind me, only you didn’t realize my finger was in the way and you slammed the door on it. So, I’m standing there in my egg yolk stained skirt with my thumb stuck in the door, and you had to have my mom open the lock to get me out. The look on your face was priceless haha! There went smooth right out the window! Eh…you get an A for effort though, you babied me the rest of the day asking about my thumb, and kissed it after school when you walked me home.

Even now to this very moment I can attest to how attentive you have been for almost 26 years. You always put my feelings first, my needs, my desires, you knew right from the beginning how to love a woman and you did just that. You have given me something that most women only dream of Jason, and I have a plethora of memories that are real and alive and beautiful and they aren’t dreams. They are my reality for the majority of my life. You made my life a luxury, a privilege most do not know. Thank you for loving me the way God made me. You never expected any changes, you just loved me right through this life. You may not be here to do it in person, but I know you’ll love me right up until the end of my life, and be rest assured, when that moment comes, I will find you. I love you!

I believe we walked home from school, it was September, because the sun was still warm on my face. You were always very careful about where I walked, not close to the curb. I eventually learned that you kept me from looking like a streetwalker, which I was grateful for even though I wasn’t a streetwalker. It was a good walk from Wilson to your house, and then almost past Waterman, actually usually past Waterman. I figured that large span of street between Livernois and Dragoon was more than I felt you needed to travel. It was a decent separation point, if there is one.

I remember walking along side of you, holding your hand and feeling silly nervous. I remember kissing you on your lips at school, the look on your face was priceless. You had no idea it was coming, but it was just a peck. I knew yours was coming. I knew for a while, you were trying to find the right moment, but it didn’t present itself right away. I guess you had to wait, bummer. We were walking down Beard, we approached the corner of Whitaker, I looked at you to ask you if you remembered when I lived a few houses from Sherry, and you got me. You planted this amazingly sweet kiss on me, you cradled my face in your hands so delicately, my gut dropped but I felt like I was walking on air. It seemed to last a while, but I was lost in you, so I don’t remember how long, I just remember getting my socks knocked right off. I opened my eyes and yours were so damn green. All I could manage was a few blinks. You said, “Let’s keep walking” but I tried to argue, because we agreed on halfway home and you were going further, and you kissed me again. After that, we walked a while.

I couldn’t do anything but think of you. You made me want to be around you all the time, I felt obsessed at one point. I think my parents were happy when they found out I got a job, it meant more time away from your place. They knew I was safe at your parents but I guess they never knew, and basically I never knew just how smooth and calculating you are. I quickly discovered that, and just followed you right along like a little puppy..haha…man I was dumb for you. The funny thing is it always felt right, even when we were sneaks, nothing ever felt wrong when I was with you. It’s just that good, the memory is so vivid to me. Remembering makes me feel alive. You make me feel alive. 

My dear sweet Jason,

We didn’t have enough time. How could anyone have enough time to express a lifetime of love? The gifts you gave to me in the short time you were with me are innumerable, your unconditional love, loyalty, friendship, and our beautiful family. There is so much that I didn’t say to you. I believe that you know how much I love you, but it’s not enough for me. I wanted you to know so much more. You deserve more from me. You deserve to never have questioned my heart. You deserve to be self-assured of my feelings, I’m not quite convinced that you were.

I took you for granted. You loved me in ways I never realized, and I felt so blessed at those moments, but I feel undeserving now. Words cannot and will never express to you how deep my love is for you, and how expansive its influence on me is. If I am all the things you told me I am, all the wonderful things you loved, all of what makes me your life partner, I am only these things because you believe I am.

I am the woman I am because you loved me, and because you do it so well that you convinced me that I am all the good you see in me. I don’t really feel that way now, but I know you do, and that’s good enough for me. I am trying so desperately to be strong, because I know you would want that for me and our boys, but I feel myself slipping at times. I slip into darkness and being numb makes it much easier to bear. Even though you’re not next to me in this bed anymore, even though I must resort to seeing a picture of your gorgeous face in my head, even though I look into the boys eyes and want so badly to take their pain on for them, I can’t do these things alone. I need you, whether you’re here on earth or not, I need you.

Walk with me, talk to me, touch me, even when I don’t respond, I will somehow know you’re here. Our hearts are so kindred, there’s no way that I won’t feel you. I still need your guidance, support, advice, friendship, and most of all, your love. It nourishes my soul, help me feel whole again, please. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt numb and I don’t know how to find you. I know you can find me. You are everything good, and wonderful and loving in my world, find me so I can hold on to you. The boys are so strong, all they want to do is take care of me. They’ve seen me fall apart one to many times, but I’m almost certain there’s more to come. Help them Jason, give them the strength they need to feel your connection. We all need you.

I see your face every day I wake, I want so badly to hold you. I want to badly to feel the safety I always did when you wrapped your arms around me. I’m here, I’m waiting for you to wrap them around me again in the way only you know how. I’m not afraid Jason, I’m open to you. I can’t and never will stop loving you with every beat of my heart.

Yours always,

Dawn