It has been a minute. This beautiful globe twirls around and in the blink of an eye, years fly by. I want to be present. I’m trying to apply these techniques in all facets of my life. I have been busy applying myself to my family, my home, and my work with laser focus, even though I get preoccupied at time. I spent this weekend preparing floor boards, molding, and walls for painting. I want to add a fresh layer of change to the walls. I’m going lighter than the current “canvas” we have now. Additionally, the owners decided to slap it together, and it is a bit sloppy in my humble opinion. In the grand scheme of time, I have only been here since 2018, but we’ve created a warm, inviting home here, and I love it! Ten years ago, I never imagined I could feel this way. I’m now happily married again. Josh is a wonderful life companion, and I don’t know what I did to deserve his presence in my life, but I am immensely grateful for his unconditional love. We are currently new owners of a small business, and boy what a ride?!? Lol! It is an interesting journey, I’m developing a new professional perspective, surprisingly. I cannot say it was my dream, I am being the supportive wife my husband needs. We are on a mission paving the oasis to our legacy. We’re both working really hard. I am an intelligent, diligent, tenacious individual, and I know how to go after what I want, so I know I can be an asset to the company, but I also have the dream profession I worked for so I have a bit of a conundrum here, but that’s for a later post, perhaps.

The transition of my new love life and marriage has not always been easy with Josh and the boys, but he is great with them. They’re good and decent young men, but spoiled. I did that. It was a mistake I made out of grief and guilt. I know when I love, I love hard. I pour myself into people without ever considering it will be reciprocated. I know this of myself so when I do it, I’m mindful of how much of me I give away, but I’m happy like that. I like this version of myself. The mirror is clearer. Still, I cannot be their dad, and the void it causes them subtly destroys me. They also have to face their own pain. I now know I do not have to, nor can I shield my sons from hurt, harm, or life in general. It has taken me a lifetime to fully understand this. We have a grandson we adore, now. We love taking him to as many places as we can, because his fresh response to the world brings so much light to ours. He makes everything so much better. His purity heals the fiber of my being, and I know he was Heaven sent. My soul says it feels this way, at least. I wish I had the patience I do now, back when I was a young mom. I can honestly say I did not. I had a great tag-team parent enforcement policy with my late husband, when our boys were young. It worked! I didn’t have that for a long time, and losing it caused me anxiety that I never knew existed. I have since found a healthy balance as a mom and step-mom, but I also falter at time. It sounds different to say I am a step-mom, but I embrace it. I have enjoyed it, as now having five sons seems fitting. In any case, they’re thriving, and doing well, in one way or another. I thank God for these blessings every day I am above ground.

I have reached a point in my life where the most important goal I have is to live, peacefully. I want this for family and friends as well. I really do! I pray often for this. The world is a vast place with original ideas, wide-eyed aspirations, and opportunity abound. The older I get, the more I realize how little I know. I am but a mere, infinitesimal speck among the universe. I mean to say, I pray for people I care for whether they remain near or far, in hopes that they’re safe, loved, and at peace too. I pray they’re building the life they have dreamed, too! I hope they are basking in this gloriousness we call experience, too! For without it, who, what, and where would any of us be? Life is to be experienced, not just merely exist? We all bring something unique to each and every relationship, and we all have much to learn as move through time. It becomes much easier to take context into consideration with age, because one never really knows the suffering of another, and age affords us wisdom. It is the human condition to suffer, in some form, but I have made it my life’s work to try and ease that suffering, if given the opportunity. I want to use the plethora of skill and experience I have obtained along my way to guide, inspire, and create change where guidance, inspiration, and change are welcome. I have always been the growth-mindset type of person. I have spent my entire life making pivotal moves in a split-second situation. Life comes at you fast, and you have to move….readjust the sails so to speak. I know how to do this. I do not always find it a charming endeavor, yet I know my uncomfortability is growth.

…. and like Maya said, “When you know better, you do better”