truebloodcreator

I had a different take on what your 50th birthday was going to look like. It certainly wasn’t what my life looks like today. I have built a new one, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I could ever feel happy, let alone married again. I fought through a ridiculous amount of guilt to get here, and it still rears its ugly head at times. I often wonder what you’ll say when I reach Heaven’s gates. I think back to when this all happened ten years ago, and see how different I am. I’m not the woman you met, dated, or married. I have changed in ways that I did not think were possible, but I had to in order to survive. I couldn’t be the same person, because I didn’t want to. All the ways in which I lived had to change, and I had to reevaluate my life. I had to recalibrate how I parented. I failed miserably at being a single mom. I have many family and friends that would likely argue that with me, but that’s because they love me. I am a good mom, and I will always will be, but I am also realistic. My children will never have to wonder about that. 

However, they will always wonder what life could have been with you still here. I wish I knew how to take their pain from them. I would live with all of it, if it meant they could heal their broken hearts. Ten years is a blink of an eye, and it puts everything life is made up of into perspective. This is why I decided that I had to make amends in my heart for past hurts. I had to learn to forgive myself for being taken advantage of and/or taken for granted. I also had to face my own shit, my own inconsistencies, and my own issues that I allowed to hold me back. I refuse to allow that anymore. I refuse to be afraid of taking risks and failing, which has been a fear my whole life. You made life so easy for me, I was so kept and accommodated that being alone was not just painful, it was terrifying to me. It was in that moment that I realized my entire identity was wrapped in you. Typically, I suppose this would be okay with you around, but you weren’t. It forced me to truly see who I had become and I didn’t like her. I will no longer ever have the carpet whipped from under me, because if tragedy was to ever strike again in my life, I have built the backbone I thought I had so many years ago. It was you who helped me do this, and you weren’t even here. You were still making me a better woman, long after God called you home. 

Our boys are men now. They’re still figuring out their purpose and direction in life, but they have more now than they did in the past. They too have been on a journey of learning who they are and what they want out of life. I know you’re proud, because I sure as hell am! Lord knows they have fallen and will again, but I continually remind them that if they can carry themselves through the muck, donning their blood, sweat, and tears along the way, then they can do anything. I pray for their health and well being every day of my life. I pray they find love of a good person. I pray for our grandson, and the grand children I haven’t met yet. I continue to pray that they are fortunate enough to experience the love we had, and find happiness. However, as long as they are happy with themselves and in their lives, they don’t have to have a partner to achieve this. Still, it gives a mama reassurance to know their child is loved and taken care of. Our children were blessed to have had you in their lives as long as they did, however brief the moment was. They were blessed to have the exemplar parent they had in you, because they will always know what a good father looks like. They will always have it in their heart to raise men of decency and excellence, because they were raised by it too. Not to say they’re not fallible because we all are, but they’re equally as blessed to have witnessed what it looks like to never give up. You taught them that! Together, we taught them love, kindness, resilience and strength. In many ways, I tend to resent the amount of strength we all learned as a result of your passing, but it was a valid lesson nonetheless. I’m here to tell you that on your birthday, your sons have grown and developed into good young men! You are massively missed and deeply loved. Happy birthday Jason!!!

It has taken me a bit of time to get these words down. Mostly, because I am not in the habit of summing up a man’s life in a few paragraphs, and it seemed an affront to Casey’s memory to try it. I feel like I owe him more. I feel like life owed him more, but at my age, I understand that is an unrealistic expectation. I think it is important to provide the historical context in which I have known Casmere “Casey” Lesczcyk. Casey and I grew up together in Southwest Detroit. He was about two – three years ahead of me in school, so even though we attended school together, I didn’t see him very often. I dated his best friend Jason in middle and high school. Jason lived directly across the street from Casey on Gartner in Detroit. They also had a buddy named Eric that lived a few houses down the street. Eric is also a few years older than us. Whether I saw Eric and Casey at school made no difference, because I came into contact with them when I visited Jason’s house after school. At first, I truly thought Jason’s buddies were assholes. Lol! They teased me all the time, gave Jason crap for having a girlfriend, and they always had something silly to say to me in school. They were a bit intimidating, so I did my best to avoid them. 

However, as time passed and Jason and I continued dating, I got to know the guys better. I spent more time with Casey because he was at Jason’s a lot. He was always well dressed, always had the nicest kicks, and he usually smelled good. It became obvious to me he was spoiled rotten, as he was an only child. Jason moved on to the block when he was five, so Jason and Casey became pretty close friends over the years. Casey was always willing to share and he was very outgoing, even as a youngster. Casey had the ability to make everyone laugh! He was always cracking jokes and clowning around. There were occasions when I was sad or upset about something, and that guy would go out of his way to cheer me up. I have never known anyone that was as upbeat and positive as Casey was. As we got older, he became more of a fixture, because we were now throwing parties, going out-on-the-town, and/or spending lots of time hanging out as young adults. Casey was fun! He was always up for a road trip or a party or just hanging out together shooting the shit with some cold ones after work. He was the life of the party, but he had a serious side too. He was an amazing listener, never judgmental, and always had something positive to add. He didn’t like seeing his friends hurt and was always willing to help, somehow. 

He was pretty much raised by his mom Mary and his grandma Elvy, and although they gave him a lot of shit (which he likely earned) they were wonderful and kind-hearted to Jason and I. When we had our first son Julian, Mary gave him his first haircut. She was so gentle and sweet with him, and she even put his hair in a bag for us to keep. I have a beautiful angel that Mary gave me for the top of our Christmas tree. Casey’s family treated us like we were a part of his, and I will never forget any of them. We also valued our friendship with Casey, like he was family. Jason and I began having children shortly after we were married. We were a young family on an even younger budget. We didn’t go out often, we didn’t have a lot of money, and we didn’t participate in a lot of activities or parties, because we chose to prioritize our home and family. Casey understood this, and never made us feel inferior because we didn’t live the single, party life anymore. He knew our family meant the world to both of us, and he respected our priority. He was family, as he was a wonderful human being to our children, and it wasn’t long before the boys were asking about “uncle Casey” regularly. He helped around the house. When he was over he was always taking the garbage out, offering to help me cook, or asking Jason what needed to be painted next? He loved painting and I loved that he loved painting! Lol! There were some trade opportunities made with food, as he was a fan of my cooking. Casey was also the type of guy that made sure I knew that he was my friend too. He never treated me like I was just “Jay’s wife” he respected me as a person. He loved me, and I knew it. I loved him too! He wasn’t always easy to love for everyone, but he had a good heart. I now look back and realize that he didn’t love himself. He was abusive to himself in some cases. Those are the parts of him I wish I could have spoken to more successfully. I tried to talk to him about making qualified changes in his life, and he was always receptive, but not as consistent. 

Part of the reason why it has taken me so long to get these words on paper is because Casey is a relic from a part of my life I continue to grieve even today. Sometimes, when I speak about my early life, my late husband, and my experience as a young mother, I feel like I am speaking about a completely different woman. I continue to struggle with this dichotomy as though it has been prescribed to me, when in fact it’s how I have viewed myself up until this point. I have placed these demands on myself because I previously believed that in order to hang on to who I am as a person, I have to identify with who I was before Jason passed away. I was foolish or maybe just inexperienced, because I made demands of myself that most others could not meet. No one can completely detach from their former self, and they shouldn’t, because it is this part of yourself that has made what you have accomplished now, possible. I think the key is to learn what didn’t work for me then, and recalibrate my thinking to adjust to now. I am still growing and learning to allow myself to be a whole person with broken parts from my past, imperfect chunks of now, and pieces that are being formed for my future. It takes time, patience, and grace to allow this metamorphosis to take place, but it has taken me half a lifetime to understand this. I am still in the stages where I can take the good and healthy and joyful parts of my past life, and fuse it with the new one I am building today. I have grieved and hurt and felt guilty for this for many years now, but it was natural to grieve those parts of me that do not have a place in my future. I do not mean to make my testimony on Casey’s life about me, but he was a large part of my past self and losing him as my friend has me grieving that time all over again. This is the impact of Casmere Lesczcyk’s life on mine. His presence was large and lovely and precious to me. The world will never know the guy that I feel embodies everything a friend is and can be, but I know. I know because you were a part of my life, Face. 

May the Lord always keep you close my friend! 

Love, 

Dawn

It has been a minute. This beautiful globe twirls around and in the blink of an eye, years fly by. I want to be present. I’m trying to apply these techniques in all facets of my life. I have been busy applying myself to my family, my home, and my work with laser focus, even though I get preoccupied at time. I spent this weekend preparing floor boards, molding, and walls for painting. I want to add a fresh layer of change to the walls. I’m going lighter than the current “canvas” we have now. Additionally, the owners decided to slap it together, and it is a bit sloppy in my humble opinion. In the grand scheme of time, I have only been here since 2018, but we’ve created a warm, inviting home here, and I love it! Ten years ago, I never imagined I could feel this way. I’m now happily married again. Josh is a wonderful life companion, and I don’t know what I did to deserve his presence in my life, but I am immensely grateful for his unconditional love. We are currently new owners of a small business, and boy what a ride?!? Lol! It is an interesting journey, I’m developing a new professional perspective, surprisingly. I cannot say it was my dream, I am being the supportive wife my husband needs. We are on a mission paving the oasis to our legacy. We’re both working really hard. I am an intelligent, diligent, tenacious individual, and I know how to go after what I want, so I know I can be an asset to the company, but I also have the dream profession I worked for so I have a bit of a conundrum here, but that’s for a later post, perhaps.

The transition of my new love life and marriage has not always been easy with Josh and the boys, but he is great with them. They’re good and decent young men, but spoiled. I did that. It was a mistake I made out of grief and guilt. I know when I love, I love hard. I pour myself into people without ever considering it will be reciprocated. I know this of myself so when I do it, I’m mindful of how much of me I give away, but I’m happy like that. I like this version of myself. The mirror is clearer. Still, I cannot be their dad, and the void it causes them subtly destroys me. They also have to face their own pain. I now know I do not have to, nor can I shield my sons from hurt, harm, or life in general. It has taken me a lifetime to fully understand this. We have a grandson we adore, now. We love taking him to as many places as we can, because his fresh response to the world brings so much light to ours. He makes everything so much better. His purity heals the fiber of my being, and I know he was Heaven sent. My soul says it feels this way, at least. I wish I had the patience I do now, back when I was a young mom. I can honestly say I did not. I had a great tag-team parent enforcement policy with my late husband, when our boys were young. It worked! I didn’t have that for a long time, and losing it caused me anxiety that I never knew existed. I have since found a healthy balance as a mom and step-mom, but I also falter at time. It sounds different to say I am a step-mom, but I embrace it. I have enjoyed it, as now having five sons seems fitting. In any case, they’re thriving, and doing well, in one way or another. I thank God for these blessings every day I am above ground.

I have reached a point in my life where the most important goal I have is to live, peacefully. I want this for family and friends as well. I really do! I pray often for this. The world is a vast place with original ideas, wide-eyed aspirations, and opportunity abound. The older I get, the more I realize how little I know. I am but a mere, infinitesimal speck among the universe. I mean to say, I pray for people I care for whether they remain near or far, in hopes that they’re safe, loved, and at peace too. I pray they’re building the life they have dreamed, too! I hope they are basking in this gloriousness we call experience, too! For without it, who, what, and where would any of us be? Life is to be experienced, not just merely exist? We all bring something unique to each and every relationship, and we all have much to learn as move through time. It becomes much easier to take context into consideration with age, because one never really knows the suffering of another, and age affords us wisdom. It is the human condition to suffer, in some form, but I have made it my life’s work to try and ease that suffering, if given the opportunity. I want to use the plethora of skill and experience I have obtained along my way to guide, inspire, and create change where guidance, inspiration, and change are welcome. I have always been the growth-mindset type of person. I have spent my entire life making pivotal moves in a split-second situation. Life comes at you fast, and you have to move….readjust the sails so to speak. I know how to do this. I do not always find it a charming endeavor, yet I know my uncomfortability is growth.

…. and like Maya said, “When you know better, you do better”

As most of us are aware by now, the Coronavirus spread has become a national issue, as most of us are hunkering down for a while. We are learning quickly that our luxuries aren’t going to help keep us safe if we do not practice due diligence. We need to confirm our “social distancing” to protect ourselves, and our loved ones. With this said, many families are forced to resort to continued education and homeschooling.

Speaking from experience, keeping a journal or journaling is a personally rewarding experience for dealing with crisis. My entire Master’s Project was grounded on this notion. Blogging and journaling is therapeutic. Does everyone agree? I doubt it! Most people wouldn’t understand the premise or complexities of how our minds process trauma. However, the idea of putting pen to paper for some can be scary. I’ve been told it can be “crippling” for those that aren’t familiar or comfortable with it.

It never felt unfamiliar to me. As a young student, I wrote often and read voraciously. The library was my refuge. It was quiet and safe. It was usually clean, and everything I needed to read in peace was readily available to me. It was also a place I could go that no one would question me about, and most of my friends didn’t care to join. I had learned early on to associate the nature of peace and quiet with reading and writing. It never occurred to me that I was using writing as my tool out of poverty and hopelessness.

I find myself faced with the reality that our students are dealing with making adjustments to a lifestyle they are unfamiliar with, and it will take a toll on them. As a member of the infamous Generation X, those of us unaffected or unimpressed by external factors, we were raised on using phones connected to the wall. We had the convenience of connecting with our outside cohorts, and the vehicle being America’s technological innovations. Still, we knew home was where this innovation was taking place. The information generation has that feeling of “home” but it has almost been replaced by Facebook profiles, ‘The Gram’, and Snapping. So, I say, let’s meet our students where they are, and help them find their trajectory.

I am including a link here for a neat activity to get our students out of their funk. It serves a few purposes. The activity provides students with self-awareness, as they will be creating this journal according to their likes and/or dislikes. They will also employ forethought and organization skills. They will structure their journal while developing a better sense of author ownership, and this will allow them an opportunity to view their writing through a new lens. The activity helps students become comfortable with utilizing writing as a way to contain feelings of fear or anxiety due to lack of control.

A journal helps our students find some control in an environment where their perceived perspective of losing it overwhelms them. Happy journaling all!

I have recently starting working for a non-profit agency as a teacher/facilitator. I work at two separate sites; one located in Lincoln Park and the other in Dearborn. It has been a great experience so far, as I am not bogged down by the weight of administrative bureaucracy. The beauty of this experience is that I can focus on the students, as opposed to end of semester test scoring.

Clearly, we are attentive to these scores, and use them in order to assess where our students are, in order to meet them. However, our philosophy allows us to put students front and center. I have always been an advocate of student-centered learning, and for the first time in my teaching career, I found an organization that does exactly this.

I am still learning students names, and it does get somewhat complicated as our students sign up for our program at will. So, some students come often, and some do not, which makes it a bit difficult to remember names. Still, it has only been a few weeks, so eventually I will iron this out. The gist of our program is holistic. Our approach encompasses the idea that students learn best when they are exposed to a variety of learning styles. We apply a “reading, speaking, listening, and tactile response for kinesthetic learners” and this approach helps us meet students where they are, academically and facilitate their development.

Students are also fortunate in that we provide a small snack, and dinner. Once they sign in, they receive their snack, and they chat with their peers, and with us about their day. First order of events is that we check to make sure students get assistance with their current assignments. If they need help with anything, this is what we take care of initially. Then, we may begin an activity or learning objective that has been developed by myself or my site Supervisor. We pay close attention to the current scholarship being studied in their classrooms, and work to further those skills by creating lesson plans with this foundation in mind. Once we complete these activities, we then incorporate physical activity, craft projects, and/or learning strategies. This is the precise concept that title this post. I really appreciate having this creative freedom as an instructor, because it puts the student front and center. After all, they are the reason I do this!

Never before have I been more concerned about the world we are creating for future generations than I am now. I have only graced this earth for forty six years, but our current political climate and state of democracy seems ever so convoluted, and disappointing. I don’t just mean the coming elections and the like, I am referring to what our humanity has suffered in the last several years.

It seems to me we have abandoned our core values. As a nation, we have some painful historical reminders of how we’ve mistakenly taken the wrong path in order to preserve “domestic tranquility” I don’t want to leave a world behind for my grandchildren that I cannot be proud of. I don’t want to abdicate the laws of this land, nor do I think anyone is above them, but where is our concern for doing the right thing? Have we gone so far out on the ledge that we cannot see where we traveled from?

It is disheartening when I look into my little grandson’s eyes, because I fear for his own pursuit of happiness. He deserves a chance to find his way, and grow as any young American does. He doesn’t deserve to pay the price for the ridiculous choices others have made. None of the innocent children being born into our current time frame deserve to pay the price for decisions we’ve made. They most assuredly don’t deserve to suffer the consequences, and there are sure to be consequences.

The older I get, the more I realize my 401K doesn’t mean much to me, if my family suffers in order to negotiate it. I love what I do, so it is not really “work” but nonetheless, I do it with energy and fervor, and that doesn’t always come easy. I cannot take any of this with me, so why would I care how much I hoard while I’m alive? I don’t think we as a civilized people think beyond our own vitality. Many of us live our lives as though we will be here for centuries. We accumulate more crap than any country in free the world, and we have the audacity to just throw it away when it runs out of purpose.

We even do this with human beings. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home. We visited her often, and she was mostly in good spirits. However, the poor souls that sat, catatonically waiting for someone to come by and offer a kind word or a home cooked meal tugged at my heart. They were packed up, transported, and forgotten, very much like our nation’s soul at present. How can we sit by, and just toss our values and moral compass into the abyss this way?

When I look back on all this, I will remember what I was and was not willing to negotiate, and I will rest easy.

This picture inspires so many different feelings, specifically the drive I have in continuing this new adventure I’m on. This is my grandson Jason. He is 3 years old, very observant, super loving, and he makes everyone around him happy. He gives me the type of joy that heals any heart! He is so full of life and love, his refreshing eyes helps me be a better human being. He sees all the beautiful things in this world for the first time, and it renews my spirit.

I began thinking about this concept; seeing the world with fresh eyes. I imagine it helps push all the cobwebs out of those far recesses of the mind, hiding from the light that pushes its way through. The light always pushes its way through, but sometimes we’re not ready to let it into our world. We have to be ready for this light in order to see it. Life has the capability of offering up some nasty obstacles, and it is up to us to respond accordingly. During my dark days, I didn’t want to respond. I just wanted the dark to go away, but it doesn’t work this way. It works very much like a storm, which is why people use this metaphor so often.

We cannot avoid the dark days or wish them away, we must root ourselves deep, and hold on tight while the shadow of the storms hover over head. I didn’t want to face those shadows, so I ran. I made sure I was preoccupied with anything I could focus on, so I didn’t give my attention to the emotional transition that was happening. This was a mistake. It’s okay. We have the luxury of free will, so we make decisions where some are bad ones and some are good ones. How can we learn if we always make the right ones? I weathered that dark storm, made some mistakes, fell on my face a few times, but when the clouds moved along and passed me up, the sun popped through brighter than it had in a long time. The pain I survived cleared my head out, and gave me a new set of peepers.

This brings me back to this adorable face below. The new insight and perspective I now have helps me appreciate the most important parts of life, even more so. Loss, and surviving it forced me to absorb ALL things life-related with grace and patience. What was important 5 years ago isn’t important anymore. The simple beauties of life aren’t beautiful for any other reason than they are simple. Jason has been a perfect vehicle to teach me details about myself I needed to learn, like the pain I felt during the storms. There are characteristics about myself I never knew existed, and some I am working to smooth out. This sweet little face has brought an endless joy, and a new-found wisdom I did not realize I could have.

The dark times will always be there, they are a part of everyone’s experience at some time or another. You can either let them decide what type of life you want, or you can decide that for yourself. It is an exhausting decision, but must be made nonetheless. It’s easy to let an experience or an obstacle decide for you. It’s the lazy way out! We all like to be lazy once in a while, including myself. But, I get bored easy. I cannot sit still for 20 minutes without feeling the impetus to “do” something.

So, this picture represents what I intend on doing. I intend on moving forward with a smile. I intend on taking on heart-ache and disappointment and exasperation with a smile. I want to continue a journey in my professional life with a smile. I want to do all things with love…..and with a smile. It might not brighten the world the way this one does, but it will spark just enough light.

After all, in the dark, even a spark lights the way!

It’s been far too long since I’ve been here. I took an unintentional hiatus from the professional life I have been working on for years. There are times in life when one realizes the necessity of the soul. Mine required feeding, in many more ways than one. I have reached the point where I recognize this nurturing has helped develop my state of mind. I have learned to let go of those things I could not change, and I’m now more accepting of the things I cannot.

I believe it is in these moments when we learn the most about ourselves. I’ve learned that even though I experienced moments of weakness, I am strong. I’ve learned that even though I have made numerous mistakes as a mother, I’m a good parent. I’ve learned that even if I have to cry from sadness, I can smile through it.

I think it is quite a brave endeavor to smile through the tears. I had to get to the bottom to really see myself behind facade that insecurity builds around us. I had to allow my self image to completely deconstruct in order for me to start at ground level, again. I needed that! It is virtually impossible to rebuild a solid structure over an impaired or broken one. I painted a smile over the most wounded face I have ever had, and my soul knew it was bunk.

I now see the world as it is, and not as I would like it to be. I see my world as it is, and I am working to create a better one. As minute as my results may be, I am still producing results. I am still here carving my place, and although it is different than it used to be, it is still beautiful and mine.

I am here to tell you, only you have this power. Stop whatever you’re doing at this moment and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. The person you see staring back at you has so much more tenacity than you could ever imagine. Your soul will thank you for it, later.

I promise!

So, today, May 8, 2017, was the first day of my 8 day cleanse with Xyngular. I took some time yesterday to log my food schedule into my phone, which has been very convenient. So far, I haven’t really felt all that hungry. Only now, I feel hungry, but I think it’s because the last meal I had was at 1 pm, and it’s 6:12pm now.

The directions seem fairly simple enough, but I stopped and grabbed a weekly pill organizer, I knew I’d need one.  The only issue I had today was that I didn’t have my dinner ready before I started cooking for the family, so I allowed myself to get hungry, but I’m going to give myself today to get familiar with this new routine.

1. I woke up at 6:30 AM and drank my 8 oz. of lemon water (this is prescribed, but I do this anyway so it’s not unfamiliar to me)
2. By about 9 AM, I had my breakfast smoothie, and my capful of Global Blend. I included a tablespoon of cocoa powder in my smoothie. It taste pretty good, but the smoothie mix is super thick. I’m glad it’s not gritty though. I was surprised to find it was fairly filling.
3. I took my morning “Cheat” supplement and then I had 2 hard boiled eggs with one half green pepper, one half red pepper, one small spring onion, seasoned with Mrs. Dash, and sauteed in coconut oil. (I am also staying on top of my water in-take. My ideal amount is 100 oz. A day)
4. I made another smoothie, but this time I used a capful of Global Blend in the smoothie to give it a fruity taste. I then took my 2 Accelerate supplements.
5. I’m now finally getting my dinner off of the grill. (I had errands to run today, and I got back late) I made chicken kabobs, baked potatoes (for the family), grilled broccoli in olive oil, and spaghetti squash in the oven. I’m also having a large glass of iced green tea, plain no sweetener at all. The squash is for meal prep for the week.
6. My dinner will be another smoothie, probably chocolate again. (I was still so full from my PM meal that I didn’t even make my shake, which is not advised. Lol!)
7. Then I’ll likely settle down with some tea, and my 2 Flush supplements. 

The only issue I’m finding is that preparing my meals ahead of time makes my schedule run much smoother. I have prepared some, like yesterday I made my brown rice for the week, and today I made the squash that goes with that. However, if I didn’t prep well, I could never get this organized properly. If you don’t prepare ahead, you’ll find that you’re starving while you’re preparing everyone else’s dinner, and you’re likely to sabotage yourself. If I was working fulltime this would be maddening! I also didn’t take my cheat 30 minutes prior to my PM snack, I took it and ate about 15 minutes after, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to get this PM snack eaten.

I’m invested into this program, time and money wise, so I want to succeed and in order to do that, one must prepare well.

May 9, 2017 day 2:

I made some necessary adjustments to my meal reminders; I had to space them apart more, because I wasn’t hungry when the next meal alert sounded. I did follow the plan accordingly, though. My coach reminded me that I may want to decrease my protein intake at meal time which helped. I also had to set a reminder for my Accelerate tablets. I had to set it 30 minutes prior to the actual meal reminder because I was forgetting to take them 30 minutes ahead of time.

I gave coffee up 5 days before I started the cleanse, so that I would be already detoxed some. Yesterday’s PM snack was pretty good. I made baked mostaccioli in the oven for the family, and a ground turkey version of spaghetti for me. I browned ground turkey with olive oil, garlic, basil, tomatoes, and shallots. Then, I peeled zucchini and made noodles. It was honestly very good! I had a good 2nd day, but I did inadvertently cheat though, because I was buying lunch meat for the boys lunches, and there was a plate of samples for Eckrich pineapple ham, and before I even knew what I was doing I grabbed a toothpick with one bite on it. I don’t think my work is sabotaged, thank goodness but I need to be more attentive. Some eats are out of habit, so changing habits are necessary for success. It was a pretty good chunk of ham though! 🙂

May 10th, day 3:

I feel pretty good this morning but I do have a slight headache and I feel a little lethargic. I know that’s from the carb restriction. I’m pretty sure it will pass soon.

1. I’ve had my first shake of the day, and today I can include whole grains in my program for my first AM snack. I will check back in soon.
2. I took my 2 Cheat and then had 2 hard boiled eggs and a spinach salad with olive oil & white whine vinegar, and finished with my 1 Xyng.
3. For my lunch I had some some roasted chicken with herb & garlic, paired with brown rice and red bell peppers. I used low sodium vegetable stock to season the rice, and it came out great! I ended with my 2 Accelerate.
4. I skipped the afternoon snack of 1/4 cup of almonds, peanuts, or sunflower seeds. I just wasn’t hungry.
5. I had dinner after my 2 Cheat 30 minutes prior. I made salmon fajitas and everyone in the house loved them! Pretty soon, everyone in my house will be clean eating 😀
6. I ended the day with some vanilla, chamomile tea, and my 2 Flush tabs.

All in all, so far so good! I feel good, was a little tired today, but no worse for the wear.

May 11th, day 4:

I woke up with a headache this morning. My body is reacting to the lack of carbohydrates so I’m just taking it slow. I dropped Jason at school and came back home to lay down for a bit. I kind of sabotaged my schedule because I slept longer than I thought, but I can make it up later today.

1. I had my water early this morning as soon as I woke up.
2.  Then when I woke after my nap, I had my smoothie, GB, and 2 Accelerate.
3. I set my phone to remind me to take my 2 Cheat supplements 30 minutes prior to my meal. I tend to lose track of time, even when I’m not consumed with errands or activities.
4. I made 2 hard boiled eggs, and a green spinach salad again. I do love spinach so this isn’t difficult.
5. Next meal was my Lean smoothie and 2 Accelerate.
6. I took my cheat on time because my phone reminder is helpful with that. I grilled chicken breast with zucchini and yellow squash, drizzled with olive oil & garlic.
7. I really enjoy the hot drink at night. I made peppermint tea. I like having tea before bed, so it’s a perfect step, and of course I took my 2 Flush.

May 12, Day 5:

I didn’t feel as sluggish yesterday when I woke up but I was up late, so I did make decaf, and I used powdered creamer minus fat and sugar.

1)  I had my GB, 2 Accelerate and my smoothie, but I ran out of coconut milk. I managed to have 4 oz. so I combined 4 oz. of water with it. It served the purpose for the time being.

2) For my protein meal I had a fabulous tuna and spinach salad, and 2 Cheat prior to the meal followed with one Xyng.

3) It’s day 5 so I follow up with protein and grains. I had herb & garlic chicken with red bell peppers and brown rice already prepared.

4) I’m supposed to have a handful of  plain walnuts or almonds, but I wasn’t hungry. This seems to be a reoccurring thing, and I think it’s because I’m not working out through this cleanse. I’ve walked 3 times so far, but that’s all.

5) For dinner, I had grilled chicken and sliced yellow squash, zucchini, and green onions leftover. (with 2 Cheat 30 minutes before)

6) I ended with with my Flush supplements and lemon ginger tea. It was girls night in at my friend’s and there was food 😒 but I managed to find some clean eating goodies. My friend brought a huge bag of quinoa & chia seed chips. They were really good and have a corn chip consistency. She also put together a Spanish salad called “Nopales ensalada” it’s chopped cactus, tomato, onion, cilantro, jalapenos, and lemon juice. It was FABULOUS! I had at least 2 large handfuls of chips and the salad. I don’t think it counts as cheating but I’m sure the sodium doesn’t help so I’m amping the water from 105 oz. to 125 oz.

May 13, day 6:

1. Started with my 8 oz. of lemon water
2. Smoothie, GB, and 2 Axion
3. 2 Cheat 30 minutes before meal, and I had a chicken breast salad. Took my 1 Xyng afterwards
4. Lunch smoothie and 2 Accelerate. (I’m starting to notice the bloating is gone. This is a big problem with eating crap. It’s less about fat and more about bloating)
5. 2 Cheat prior to meal, I made Chicken breast and squash.
6. Smoothie
7. Took 2 Flush and had my tea.

I can see muscles on my belly, that were hidden by fat, again. I also can tell my waist is tapering some. Nice!

May 14, day 7:

Okay so first and foremost, it is VERY difficult to properly organize clean eating on holidays, and not just because of potential sabotages, but mostly due to scheduling. Days like this are so difficult to stay on schedule, because we are so busy being preoccupied with other commitments. Frankly, plan REALLY well, and it will not be as hectic, but if you do not plan properly (logging meal times, making sure you even HAVE your supplements on hand, and organizing your meal) it can be very difficult to maintain discipline.

1. It’s Mother’s day, so I slept in, and was already behind, as I usually make my shake, GB & Axion at 9am, but didn’t get to it until almost 11am, so I had to make conscious adjustments to later meal times (I did get my water though).
2. I had my 2 Cheat and my one Xyng, but I neglected to get the protein prepared for my salad, but I made a bigger salad.
3. I found another storage container with chicken and brown rice so that’s good since I didn’t get it earlier (Along with my 2 Accelerate)
4. Days 3, 5, and 7 call for walnuts or almonds for a snack, but I still haven’t felt hungry enough to need them.
5. I had my 2 cheat but I took them and didn’t eat for about 45 minutes. I had to wait for my brother in law to pull off some food on the grill so my salmon and brussel sprouts would fit. There’s that organization logistic failure I mentioned.
6. I had my flush and tea pretty late, like 11pm, but I did get them.

May 15 Monday, day 8:

It was pretty easy to stick to my routine, as knowing the next day provided me a decent cheat meal, I was excited! Lol! I have noticed that I may need to back up off the 2 Flush supplements I take. We shall see!

Now…..ON TO days 9-30 🙂 🙂 🙂

After meeting with my advisor regarding the end of this Masters project of mine, something had occurred to me that I didn’t consider prior to beginning this project. As I began to ponder this subject, I realized how pervasive the idea truly is, and how it may have impacted my perception of education. I have conducted an artifact analysis as part of my project, and in doing so, I knew recording my findings would require an organized graph or table of what these findings were, and how they influenced my conclusion. I emphasized to my advisor that I have struggled with this document, feeling unsure of the hows and whys of producing this table of information. He then said to me, “Why are you fixed on a spreadsheet? What makes a document detailing your findings less valid than a spreadsheet?”

Well…shit! I don’t have an answer for that? Why do I feel a spreadsheet is more representative of dispelling knowledge as valid? What makes knowledge valid, the way we convey and share it or the knowledge itself? In my quest for higher education, I have often been faced with inconsistencies embedded into my thinking patterns, having been exposed to them throughout my primary education. It’s an unsaid truth throughout the education community that testable, verifiable knowledge is the “pièce de résistance”, but rarely does the scientific community respond to text the same way. Maybe I’m oversimplifying, or maybe I’m stereotyping education as a whole. Still, I can’t deny that this narrative has been set, and those of us that are a part of the composition community know it all too well.

When my advisor asked me why I was set on using a spreadsheet, I wanted to respond in loud bursts of laughter, followed by tears of joy….”I DON’T KNOW!! I don’t know Professor! I don’t know why I felt compelled to use a spreadsheet, other than to say, I’ve been programmed to believe it’s an efficient way to share empirical information”

Thus, this experience has propelled me to ask this question: how many other students feel this pressure? How many students have attempted to avoid certain projects or subjects merely due to this stifling? Is the idea that information is useless unless it’s quantified prevalent? Does it in fact stifle learning? I feel as though I’m digging my fingers into a whole new study or project? Could be.

I’m interested in gathering the views of other students and professionals regarding this question. If you have anything to add, please do. As most of us life-time geeks know, it is this kind of inquiry that inspires a lifetime of learning, and Lord knows I’m no where near finished with this journey. I’m convinced I very likely never will be, as simple questions like the one I posit here seem to feed my starved brain, regularly.