Just when I think I have lived and learned something, life comes in w/ a swift kick in the gut, and teaches me more. I used to think I didn’t understand the odd relationship I have with death, until I considered the amount of people in my life that are no longer around. I don’t know if anyone else would refer to it as odd, but I feel like it has been a looming shadow following me around since I was very young. I have already made peace with the fact that my time here will expire at some point, but having spent the last several decades witnessing so much loss has truly changed me. I cannot say it has been a change for good or bad or something indifferent, but I am not who I once was, and really, how can any of us be? I am disappointed in myself in that it is taking me far too many funerals to see with clarity. I refuse to turn a blind eye to my conundrum. I am too old and too experienced for that anymore. I am convinced that regardless of how well we think we know ourselves, we will never cease the self-discovery life presents us with and we have to ask ourselves if we’re willing to continue to learn, or remain stagnant in our ways?
I am at a place where I have to ask myself who I want to be, again. I am doing some deep-diving into the foundation of my habits. Why do I have them? Where did they start? How did they start? I have never imagined that I should do a meta-analysis of myself, but why not? I want to introduce myself to myself again, because experience has brought us here. There is always a before and after in my life, whether it’s cliche or not, these are facts. I wish I had a fraction of the guts I have now, several years ago. I also wish I was more forgiving with myself, and offered myself more grace. I could make this an “I wish” chapter, but it would not make a difference. The only person able to make change or adjust to it is me. I need to learn that what other people expect of me is not my business. What other people label me as is not my business. What other people think of me is not my business. What is within my power is my attitude, my tenacity, and my ability to understand this, and move accordingly. If I am flexible, adjusting to change, I will rarely lose. I believe it is my many years in academia and the skill-set I have accumulated as an academic that has allowed me to grow comfortable living as a life-long learner.
I try to take into account the relationship from who I used to be, to who I am (or who I am developing into now) when I think of the types of changes I can consider making. First, ego is out. There are no good decisions made from this lens. It blinds us from seeing logic and reason, influencing us into decisions made according to how it feels. Well, the right decisions don’t always feel good and, sometimes the wrong decisions do, so our emotional state is the worst possible moment for synthesizing and problem solving. I have learned that when I am considering the next steps in a situation like this, it is vital that I allow my heart and mind to completely absorb these feelings, and then and only then am I ready to problem solve. I didn’t recognize this best practice early on in my life, and due to this neglect, I broke my own heart on numerous occasions. I am now setting intentions to do better and be better, and allow my emotions to complete their journey. Maybe it isn’t so much about being better or not, but maybe more about what is productive. I have never learned how to separate my feelings from situations that do not require them, so it is a bit of a challenge for me. However, I am always willing to do the necessary work of improvement. Being uncomfortable is the one and only place that is sure to educate us! Recognizing what is best for us does not always make us feel good, but the important part is the recognition. It isn’t pleasant to see the ugly parts of ourselves, but unless we are willing to see it and address it, the ugly remains. For me, this is not an option.
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