Perhaps being a mother is how I find myself here, able to feel pain in others. The logic doesn’t follow for me though, because this isn’t new to me. I have always felt feelings deeply and intensely, even those felt by others. It never occurred to me that this fact, whether it’s called a burden or a gift would be this exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, I am not ashamed of the heart I have, it has lead me to this point in my life and I am at peace. After we lost Jason, I was thrusted into a lonely journey of being reborn. I know it sounds odd, but it’s true. I had not truly grown up in my marriage. The marriage was good and solid and normal, if normal is a thing anymore. We had our struggles and successes like any other loving partnership, but I had become so incredibly reliant on my partner that I had forgotten that I had two feet to stand on. It wasn’t intentional on my part or his. He was just taking the best care of me that he could, I am the one that became complacent. I did productive things with my time, raising a family and attending school but even that didn’t seem to force me to see myself in the world outside of someone else. Why would I? I had no reason to because I was fully engaged in my family.
Flashforward, I now realize my experience in higher education pales in comparison to curating a life after losing myself. It’s an exhilarating and frightening perspective all at once, sublime. The younger me left with Jason, and I went through some visceral growing pains. In many ways, I still am but I am being real with myself on levels I never have before. I am becoming more open to uncomfortable possibilities because I know the maturity it brings. The only reason I have learned this of myself is through love. I am a truly fortunate soul. I do not take this lightly. I feel responsible to share with others that love will carry you through your obstacles, if you include yourself on that path. Every last broken piece of me is worth it, in the sense of understanding myself. I always knew I meant something to the people in my life, but I have finally reached the point where I am intentionally meaning more to me. Having the heart I have is why I am here, why I am examining myself to this depth. I owe the character trait some credit because it has created higher standards in me.
I have invested much of my own time loving, raising, and healing my family, that I neglected healing myself. I was mentally and physically done. It takes some honesty with yourself to address your own toxicity, the habits that sabotage effective communication and growth. We all have them to some degree or another. I am still doing the deep-dive into my heritage, my DNA, my environment, my own personally developed idiosyncrasies and then cutting it all lose. I am more than the labels society has contrived. I am allowing myself to be more present. I am getting to know myself, but with more connectedness this time around. I am not compromising boundaries or dimming my light anymore. It is not my responsibility to fix other people, anymore than it is their responsibility to fix me. Comparatively, I find it my responsibility to keep hope and strength and love alive, because I know them. I can’t use them to fix anything, but I can hold space for others to hope or be strong or love by offering a listening ear to those willing to share.
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