Oftentimes, especially during times of struggle, some fixate on the struggle through no fault of their own, as they may be thinking their way through a problem. Many of us get very involved in building the life we want, and this requires planning. Still, this moment we have is all we really have. The past and all of its parts are gone, and the future has not happened yet. I am not implying people shouldn’t plan for their future. I am merely reminding us all not to forget about the here and now. Even though most of us know we do not have control over fate, we can control our choices. I am choosing to be more intentional about engaging in my now, and forgiving myself for my prior, useless rumination of all that is out of my control. I want to use my now for good and light and learning and love. I want to nurture my energy to act, like Dr. Zinn mentions.
As humans, we make mistakes, but holding ourselves to account doesn’t feel good. It’s okay though, because the feeling doesn’t last. The fear of mistakes or lingering thoughts of regret are not what define our present space. These feelings are natural at some point, but are fleeting. They don’t last, once you tread your way through your dark and reach the light on the other side. In the same way I see past the imperfection in others, I am learning to see past my own as well. I automatically give others grace, but did not offer any for myself for far too long. I know how it feels, holding on to hurt or painful memories, but it is too heavy for me to carry my whole journey, and I know I don’t need to hold onto it. I was supposed to go through it, so I could learn to give myself grace too. Now, I get real with myself about what needs course-correcting, forgive myself, and note the lesson. Feeling guilty for mistakes isn’t my responsibility. My peace is my responsibility.
It may not be for everyone, but this is where I am on my journey. Keeping myself focused on the now of my life is an action step I take towards grace, because it contributes to my peace. I am learning to be intentional about my time, my company, my space, what I am exposed to, and how I speak about myself. This intentional action has increased the quality of my relationships, work, and my mental clarity. It requires practice and discipline and intentionality, and I have not mastered any of these traits yet but I am tenacious and resourceful. When I make space for myself, and for all the days I didn’t know something and had to learn it the hard way, I give myself the grace I pray someone else would. This helps me appreciate the here and now, and practice the kindness towards myself that I know I deserve. If I do not believe I am worthy of forgiveness, then forgiving others will be difficult. It is a practice I sometimes chat myself through. I just sit with it, however uncomfortable, and use the type of language I would use with a good friend or family member. I let myself know that it is simply a flaw in need of weeding out, in order to increase the quality I have already noted. Sometimes, I feel a bit self loathing when I think about my pain tolerance. My life has conditioned me for it. I am no victim, but I have learned a lot through pain. I believe it is how we all learn, but we do not have to repeat it for ourselves. We don’t have to wade in with negative feelings to identify them. I am learning to pull myself out of the deep waters of self criticism, call the feelings out for what they are, and get back to my here and now with more appreciation for nurturing my energy, and creating more “marvelous victories” in the world.
Leave a Reply