Dear younger Dawn, 

Stop. 

     Identify your programming; be it from your upbringing, your environment, the media, from the Man, your family, your peers, and/or from your brief experience in the limited parts of the world you know. I want to cradle your heart, mind and spirit because you deserve it. I need to let you know that despite what you have observed up until now, you know nothing. Regardless of the surplus of experiential knowledge we accumulate throughout our journey, we cannot know what we do not know. We do have family history, and how our DNA, predispositions, conditioning, and development shape who and what we become. This is helpful knowledge to accumulate, but compartmentalize this knowledge so there is room to grow. 

     I don’t know all of the complexities that make up who I am, but I can deduce some parts, guiding me in the right direction. Give yourself the Grace to allow this early on, and relax the eager habit of excessive self-critique or criticism. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make a mistake. Everyone needs a productive struggle. It’s okay for the teacher to call on you, and you sit in silence while the awkwardness screams at you. You as a human being will learn something in that quiet awkwardness about yourself. It is a valuable lesson and a form of self love. You must be willing to invest in yourself, always. This means learning your bad habits, embracing them, unlearning them, and relearning healthier ones. We all have them. I am so much more comfortable saying this now, because having them has never stopped me from growing. We cannot allow ego to be an obstacle in our growth, but youthful pride sometimes causes us to get in our own way.

     This brings me to why I decided this conversation was a pressing matter. I feel it necessary to acknowledge that a number of caring individuals very likely tried having this conversation with me at some point, but I just wasn’t ready to listen. I wish so much to say this to you and I’m twenty years late. I wish so much that I had this presence of mind at twenty-nine, but how could I? I honestly get really frustrated sometimes when I think of just how much I did not know about myself, but such is life. Ignorance is always there, lurking in the shadows. I did not realize that much of my learning was programmed. The limits of what I do and do not know are related strictly to the ways in which I limit myself. I am talented, smart, and creative, but I am also capable of many other skills. Skill-sets I never imagined I would learn or benefit from. At twenty-nine, I wasn’t ready to leap into my life, unapologetically yet because I was afraid to fail. This is perfectly reasonable and it took dropping immensely unreasonable expectations of myself to understand this. Failure has always been a notion of improvement to me. If it does not work out the first time, then find a strategy that is different and see if that works? It took me a long time to learn that recalibrating the way I think is possible, but it requires being more mindful of personal obstacles I place on myself. Fear is the only obstacle, and I am not afraid to build the life I always wanted. I am not afraid of discipline. I am relearning it from more experienced eyes. 

     Programmed habits pushed me to avoid pictures when I could, even though documenting occasions with my babies is all I ever really wanted. It was not all my own doing, though. I have spent forty-nine years wondering what my life would be like if I was smaller, shorter, meeker, quieter, better, smarter, richer, prettier, and/or all around more appealing in some way. It’s not like I don’t see my appeal or feel unattractive. I was well kept at the onset of my life as a young mother, and I felt cared for and loved. However, I recognize the bubble I lived in, now. I did not have to do much except work hard (which I have always been willing to do), but it was within the safe confines of our happy home. I was not interested in the world outside around me, as my education was and always will be fulfillment for me. I had no reason to find intrigue outside of what I knew and loved. One day changed everything. I never really learned to love myself, because someone else had done it so thoroughly for me that I had forgotten myself. Moreover, I didn’t have a reference point, coming from a line of very self-sacrificing women. I wasn’t really shown how to love myself, because where I come from, women give of themselves to a fault. Furthermore, society used to expect us to be selfless, and sometimes still does. I still am very giving so many ways, but I now understand how important it is to take good care of myself, as well. This entails many facets of self discovery, and I need this to be better and do better. It isn’t the manicures, pedicures, and lash appointments that I have, although those help occasionally. I’m talking about real work. I’m taking back my agency, because I gave it up so long ago. Let me clarify…I was happy to give it up, but I’m not her anymore. I’m building something much different this time, and I’m loving every minute! I’m putting in the uncomfortable work. I am looking in the mirror with loving eyes because that raw, unfiltered part of me that hasn’t yet fulfilled its own deep personal pioneering is learning today. 

     It’s curious to me…oddly confident in a place I have never been. I am a grandmother, but I’ll be sporting my thong and wearing no bra in Costa Rica. I don’t feel the need to explain this. Lol! My mind keeps me at ease, I mean, I haven’t made almost fifty trips around the sun to have learned nothing about myself. As a woman, I am insecure like anyone else but as a human I know my worth and my contribution to this world. This new venture “into and unto thyself” has brought me a renewed sense of confidence paired with inherent curious energy. One of the reasons I decided to teach is because I love learning. It is this love for learning that makes me a quality educator. This endeavor has been at the center of every step and misstep, plan and recalibrated plan, every decision and blue-print to my achievements. I always knew there would be obstacles in my way. I always knew I would fall, but I also always knew I would get up. Falling is not failing. Read that again. 

     I am proud of the unique puzzle pieces I’ve created for myself. I am actively engaging my boundaries, and drawing them for others. I am holding myself accountable for my shit. I have always been willing to work hard. If being me was easy, everyone would do it. I feel privileged to be able to cultivate the life I want, because so many people in my life were not as fortunate. I am learning new skills as a lab technician working with my husband’s small business. It required a little sacrifice from both he and I, but we teamed up well. I want to continue to stretch as a human and grow as a professional. This is part of my daily affirmation. I’m continuously adding to my vision board, to note goals and categorize them. It requires real mindful work to be a whole human, but the experience is divine. Disconnect from negativity that drains you, and this can be work, people, social media, habits…any number of daily experiences. Preserve your energy, your spirit, and your peace. This shell we drag around has a shelf life, but our soul will illuminate long after. I wish I would have been more mindful of how I got in my own way as a young woman. However, better late than never.