Just when I think I have lived and learned something, life comes in w/ a swift kick in the gut, and teaches me more. I used to think I didn’t understand the odd relationship I have with death, until I considered the amount of people in my life that are no longer around. I don’t know if anyone else would refer to it as odd, but I feel like it has been a looming shadow following me around since I was very young. I have already made peace with the fact that my time here will expire at some point, but having spent the last several decades witnessing so much loss has truly changed me. I cannot say it has been a change for good or bad or something indifferent, but I am not who I once was, and really, how can any of us be? I am disappointed in myself in that it is taking me far too many funerals to see with clarity. I refuse to turn a blind eye to my conundrum. I am too old and too experienced for that anymore. I am convinced that regardless of how well we think we know ourselves, we will never cease the self-discovery life presents us with and we have to ask ourselves if we’re willing to continue to learn, or remain stagnant in our ways? 

I am at a place where I have to ask myself who I want to be, again. I am doing some deep-diving into the foundation of my habits. Why do I have them? Where did they start? How did they start? I have never imagined that I should do a meta-analysis of myself, but why not? I want to introduce myself to myself again, because experience has brought us here. There is always a before and after in my life, whether it’s cliche or not, these are facts. I wish I had a fraction of the guts I have now, several years ago. I also wish I was more forgiving with myself, and offered myself more grace. I could make this an “I wish” chapter, but it would not make a difference. The only person able to make change or adjust to it is me. I need to learn that what other people expect of me is not my business. What other people label me as is not my business. What other people think of me is not my business. What is within my power is my attitude, my tenacity, and my ability to understand this, and move accordingly. If I am flexible, adjusting to change, I will rarely lose. I believe it is my many years in academia and the skill-set I have accumulated as an academic that has allowed me to grow comfortable living as a life-long learner. 

I try to take into account the relationship from who I used to be, to who I am (or who I am developing into now) when I think of the types of changes I can consider making. First, ego is out. There are no good decisions made from this lens. It blinds us from seeing logic and reason, influencing us into decisions made according to how it feels. Well, the right decisions don’t always feel good and, sometimes the wrong decisions do, so our emotional state is the worst possible moment for synthesizing and problem solving. I have learned that when I am considering the next steps in a situation like this, it is vital that I allow my heart and mind to completely absorb these feelings, and then and only then am I ready to problem solve. I didn’t recognize this best practice early on in my life, and due to this neglect, I broke my own heart on numerous occasions. I am now setting intentions to do better and be better, and allow my emotions to complete their journey. Maybe it isn’t so much about being better or not, but maybe more about what is productive. I have never learned how to separate my feelings from situations that do not require them, so it is a bit of a challenge for me. However, I am always willing to do the necessary work of improvement. Being uncomfortable is the one and only place that is sure to educate us! Recognizing what is best for us does not always make us feel good, but the important part is the recognition. It isn’t pleasant to see the ugly parts of ourselves, but unless we are willing to see it and address it, the ugly remains. For me, this is not an option.

Dear younger Dawn, 

Stop. 

     Identify your programming; be it from your upbringing, your environment, the media, from the Man, your family, your peers, and/or from your brief experience in the limited parts of the world you know. I want to cradle your heart, mind and spirit because you deserve it. I need to let you know that despite what you have observed up until now, you know nothing. Regardless of the surplus of experiential knowledge we accumulate throughout our journey, we cannot know what we do not know. We do have family history, and how our DNA, predispositions, conditioning, and development shape who and what we become. This is helpful knowledge to accumulate, but compartmentalize this knowledge so there is room to grow. 

     I don’t know all of the complexities that make up who I am, but I can deduce some parts, guiding me in the right direction. Give yourself the Grace to allow this early on, and relax the eager habit of excessive self-critique or criticism. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make a mistake. Everyone needs a productive struggle. It’s okay for the teacher to call on you, and you sit in silence while the awkwardness screams at you. You as a human being will learn something in that quiet awkwardness about yourself. It is a valuable lesson and a form of self love. You must be willing to invest in yourself, always. This means learning your bad habits, embracing them, unlearning them, and relearning healthier ones. We all have them. I am so much more comfortable saying this now, because having them has never stopped me from growing. We cannot allow ego to be an obstacle in our growth, but youthful pride sometimes causes us to get in our own way.

     This brings me to why I decided this conversation was a pressing matter. I feel it necessary to acknowledge that a number of caring individuals very likely tried having this conversation with me at some point, but I just wasn’t ready to listen. I wish so much to say this to you and I’m twenty years late. I wish so much that I had this presence of mind at twenty-nine, but how could I? I honestly get really frustrated sometimes when I think of just how much I did not know about myself, but such is life. Ignorance is always there, lurking in the shadows. I did not realize that much of my learning was programmed. The limits of what I do and do not know are related strictly to the ways in which I limit myself. I am talented, smart, and creative, but I am also capable of many other skills. Skill-sets I never imagined I would learn or benefit from. At twenty-nine, I wasn’t ready to leap into my life, unapologetically yet because I was afraid to fail. This is perfectly reasonable and it took dropping immensely unreasonable expectations of myself to understand this. Failure has always been a notion of improvement to me. If it does not work out the first time, then find a strategy that is different and see if that works? It took me a long time to learn that recalibrating the way I think is possible, but it requires being more mindful of personal obstacles I place on myself. Fear is the only obstacle, and I am not afraid to build the life I always wanted. I am not afraid of discipline. I am relearning it from more experienced eyes. 

     Programmed habits pushed me to avoid pictures when I could, even though documenting occasions with my babies is all I ever really wanted. It was not all my own doing, though. I have spent forty-nine years wondering what my life would be like if I was smaller, shorter, meeker, quieter, better, smarter, richer, prettier, and/or all around more appealing in some way. It’s not like I don’t see my appeal or feel unattractive. I was well kept at the onset of my life as a young mother, and I felt cared for and loved. However, I recognize the bubble I lived in, now. I did not have to do much except work hard (which I have always been willing to do), but it was within the safe confines of our happy home. I was not interested in the world outside around me, as my education was and always will be fulfillment for me. I had no reason to find intrigue outside of what I knew and loved. One day changed everything. I never really learned to love myself, because someone else had done it so thoroughly for me that I had forgotten myself. Moreover, I didn’t have a reference point, coming from a line of very self-sacrificing women. I wasn’t really shown how to love myself, because where I come from, women give of themselves to a fault. Furthermore, society used to expect us to be selfless, and sometimes still does. I still am very giving so many ways, but I now understand how important it is to take good care of myself, as well. This entails many facets of self discovery, and I need this to be better and do better. It isn’t the manicures, pedicures, and lash appointments that I have, although those help occasionally. I’m talking about real work. I’m taking back my agency, because I gave it up so long ago. Let me clarify…I was happy to give it up, but I’m not her anymore. I’m building something much different this time, and I’m loving every minute! I’m putting in the uncomfortable work. I am looking in the mirror with loving eyes because that raw, unfiltered part of me that hasn’t yet fulfilled its own deep personal pioneering is learning today. 

     It’s curious to me…oddly confident in a place I have never been. I am a grandmother, but I’ll be sporting my thong and wearing no bra in Costa Rica. I don’t feel the need to explain this. Lol! My mind keeps me at ease, I mean, I haven’t made almost fifty trips around the sun to have learned nothing about myself. As a woman, I am insecure like anyone else but as a human I know my worth and my contribution to this world. This new venture “into and unto thyself” has brought me a renewed sense of confidence paired with inherent curious energy. One of the reasons I decided to teach is because I love learning. It is this love for learning that makes me a quality educator. This endeavor has been at the center of every step and misstep, plan and recalibrated plan, every decision and blue-print to my achievements. I always knew there would be obstacles in my way. I always knew I would fall, but I also always knew I would get up. Falling is not failing. Read that again. 

     I am proud of the unique puzzle pieces I’ve created for myself. I am actively engaging my boundaries, and drawing them for others. I am holding myself accountable for my shit. I have always been willing to work hard. If being me was easy, everyone would do it. I feel privileged to be able to cultivate the life I want, because so many people in my life were not as fortunate. I am learning new skills as a lab technician working with my husband’s small business. It required a little sacrifice from both he and I, but we teamed up well. I want to continue to stretch as a human and grow as a professional. This is part of my daily affirmation. I’m continuously adding to my vision board, to note goals and categorize them. It requires real mindful work to be a whole human, but the experience is divine. Disconnect from negativity that drains you, and this can be work, people, social media, habits…any number of daily experiences. Preserve your energy, your spirit, and your peace. This shell we drag around has a shelf life, but our soul will illuminate long after. I wish I would have been more mindful of how I got in my own way as a young woman. However, better late than never.

I had a different take on what your 50th birthday was going to look like. It certainly wasn’t what my life looks like today. I have built a new one, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I could ever feel happy, let alone married again. I fought through a ridiculous amount of guilt to get here, and it still rears its ugly head at times. I often wonder what you’ll say when I reach Heaven’s gates. I think back to when this all happened ten years ago, and see how different I am. I’m not the woman you met, dated, or married. I have changed in ways that I did not think were possible, but I had to in order to survive. I couldn’t be the same person, because I didn’t want to. All the ways in which I lived had to change, and I had to reevaluate my life. I had to recalibrate how I parented. I failed miserably at being a single mom. I have many family and friends that would likely argue that with me, but that’s because they love me. I am a good mom, and I will always will be, but I am also realistic. My children will never have to wonder about that. 

However, they will always wonder what life could have been with you still here. I wish I knew how to take their pain from them. I would live with all of it, if it meant they could heal their broken hearts. Ten years is a blink of an eye, and it puts everything life is made up of into perspective. This is why I decided that I had to make amends in my heart for past hurts. I had to learn to forgive myself for being taken advantage of and/or taken for granted. I also had to face my own shit, my own inconsistencies, and my own issues that I allowed to hold me back. I refuse to allow that anymore. I refuse to be afraid of taking risks and failing, which has been a fear my whole life. You made life so easy for me, I was so kept and accommodated that being alone was not just painful, it was terrifying to me. It was in that moment that I realized my entire identity was wrapped in you. Typically, I suppose this would be okay with you around, but you weren’t. It forced me to truly see who I had become and I didn’t like her. I will no longer ever have the carpet whipped from under me, because if tragedy was to ever strike again in my life, I have built the backbone I thought I had so many years ago. It was you who helped me do this, and you weren’t even here. You were still making me a better woman, long after God called you home. 

Our boys are men now. They’re still figuring out their purpose and direction in life, but they have more now than they did in the past. They too have been on a journey of learning who they are and what they want out of life. I know you’re proud, because I sure as hell am! Lord knows they have fallen and will again, but I continually remind them that if they can carry themselves through the muck, donning their blood, sweat, and tears along the way, then they can do anything. I pray for their health and well being every day of my life. I pray they find love of a good person. I pray for our grandson, and the grand children I haven’t met yet. I continue to pray that they are fortunate enough to experience the love we had, and find happiness. However, as long as they are happy with themselves and in their lives, they don’t have to have a partner to achieve this. Still, it gives a mama reassurance to know their child is loved and taken care of. Our children were blessed to have had you in their lives as long as they did, however brief the moment was. They were blessed to have the exemplar parent they had in you, because they will always know what a good father looks like. They will always have it in their heart to raise men of decency and excellence, because they were raised by it too. Not to say they’re not fallible because we all are, but they’re equally as blessed to have witnessed what it looks like to never give up. You taught them that! Together, we taught them love, kindness, resilience and strength. In many ways, I tend to resent the amount of strength we all learned as a result of your passing, but it was a valid lesson nonetheless. I’m here to tell you that on your birthday, your sons have grown and developed into good young men! You are massively missed and deeply loved. Happy birthday Jason!!!

It has taken me a bit of time to get these words down. Mostly, because I am not in the habit of summing up a man’s life in a few paragraphs, and it seemed an affront to Casey’s memory to try it. I feel like I owe him more. I feel like life owed him more, but at my age, I understand that is an unrealistic expectation. I think it is important to provide the historical context in which I have known Casmere “Casey” Lesczcyk. Casey and I grew up together in Southwest Detroit. He was about two – three years ahead of me in school, so even though we attended school together, I didn’t see him very often. I dated his best friend Jason in middle and high school. Jason lived directly across the street from Casey on Gartner in Detroit. They also had a buddy named Eric that lived a few houses down the street. Eric is also a few years older than us. Whether I saw Eric and Casey at school made no difference, because I came into contact with them when I visited Jason’s house after school. At first, I truly thought Jason’s buddies were assholes. Lol! They teased me all the time, gave Jason crap for having a girlfriend, and they always had something silly to say to me in school. They were a bit intimidating, so I did my best to avoid them. 

However, as time passed and Jason and I continued dating, I got to know the guys better. I spent more time with Casey because he was at Jason’s a lot. He was always well dressed, always had the nicest kicks, and he usually smelled good. It became obvious to me he was spoiled rotten, as he was an only child. Jason moved on to the block when he was five, so Jason and Casey became pretty close friends over the years. Casey was always willing to share and he was very outgoing, even as a youngster. Casey had the ability to make everyone laugh! He was always cracking jokes and clowning around. There were occasions when I was sad or upset about something, and that guy would go out of his way to cheer me up. I have never known anyone that was as upbeat and positive as Casey was. As we got older, he became more of a fixture, because we were now throwing parties, going out-on-the-town, and/or spending lots of time hanging out as young adults. Casey was fun! He was always up for a road trip or a party or just hanging out together shooting the shit with some cold ones after work. He was the life of the party, but he had a serious side too. He was an amazing listener, never judgmental, and always had something positive to add. He didn’t like seeing his friends hurt and was always willing to help, somehow. 

He was pretty much raised by his mom Mary and his grandma Elvy, and although they gave him a lot of shit (which he likely earned) they were wonderful and kind-hearted to Jason and I. When we had our first son Julian, Mary gave him his first haircut. She was so gentle and sweet with him, and she even put his hair in a bag for us to keep. I have a beautiful angel that Mary gave me for the top of our Christmas tree. Casey’s family treated us like we were a part of his, and I will never forget any of them. We also valued our friendship with Casey, like he was family. Jason and I began having children shortly after we were married. We were a young family on an even younger budget. We didn’t go out often, we didn’t have a lot of money, and we didn’t participate in a lot of activities or parties, because we chose to prioritize our home and family. Casey understood this, and never made us feel inferior because we didn’t live the single, party life anymore. He knew our family meant the world to both of us, and he respected our priority. He was family, as he was a wonderful human being to our children, and it wasn’t long before the boys were asking about “uncle Casey” regularly. He helped around the house. When he was over he was always taking the garbage out, offering to help me cook, or asking Jason what needed to be painted next? He loved painting and I loved that he loved painting! Lol! There were some trade opportunities made with food, as he was a fan of my cooking. Casey was also the type of guy that made sure I knew that he was my friend too. He never treated me like I was just “Jay’s wife” he respected me as a person. He loved me, and I knew it. I loved him too! He wasn’t always easy to love for everyone, but he had a good heart. I now look back and realize that he didn’t love himself. He was abusive to himself in some cases. Those are the parts of him I wish I could have spoken to more successfully. I tried to talk to him about making qualified changes in his life, and he was always receptive, but not as consistent. 

Part of the reason why it has taken me so long to get these words on paper is because Casey is a relic from a part of my life I continue to grieve even today. Sometimes, when I speak about my early life, my late husband, and my experience as a young mother, I feel like I am speaking about a completely different woman. I continue to struggle with this dichotomy as though it has been prescribed to me, when in fact it’s how I have viewed myself up until this point. I have placed these demands on myself because I previously believed that in order to hang on to who I am as a person, I have to identify with who I was before Jason passed away. I was foolish or maybe just inexperienced, because I made demands of myself that most others could not meet. No one can completely detach from their former self, and they shouldn’t, because it is this part of yourself that has made what you have accomplished now, possible. I think the key is to learn what didn’t work for me then, and recalibrate my thinking to adjust to now. I am still growing and learning to allow myself to be a whole person with broken parts from my past, imperfect chunks of now, and pieces that are being formed for my future. It takes time, patience, and grace to allow this metamorphosis to take place, but it has taken me half a lifetime to understand this. I am still in the stages where I can take the good and healthy and joyful parts of my past life, and fuse it with the new one I am building today. I have grieved and hurt and felt guilty for this for many years now, but it was natural to grieve those parts of me that do not have a place in my future. I do not mean to make my testimony on Casey’s life about me, but he was a large part of my past self and losing him as my friend has me grieving that time all over again. This is the impact of Casmere Lesczcyk’s life on mine. His presence was large and lovely and precious to me. The world will never know the guy that I feel embodies everything a friend is and can be, but I know. I know because you were a part of my life, Face. 

May the Lord always keep you close my friend! 

Love, 

Dawn