My dear sweet Jason,

We didn’t have enough time. How could anyone have enough time to express a lifetime of love? The gifts you gave to me in the short time you were with me are innumerable, your unconditional love, loyalty, friendship, and our beautiful family. There is so much that I didn’t say to you. I believe that you know how much I love you, but it’s not enough for me. I wanted you to know so much more. You deserve more from me. You deserve to never have questioned my heart. You deserve to be self-assured of my feelings, I’m not quite convinced that you were.

I took you for granted. You loved me in ways I never realized, and I felt so blessed at those moments, but I feel undeserving now. Words cannot and will never express to you how deep my love is for you, and how expansive its influence on me is. If I am all the things you told me I am, all the wonderful things you loved, all of what makes me your life partner, I am only these things because you believe I am.

I am the woman I am because you loved me, and because you do it so well that you convinced me that I am all the good you see in me. I don’t really feel that way now, but I know you do, and that’s good enough for me. I am trying so desperately to be strong, because I know you would want that for me and our boys, but I feel myself slipping at times. I slip into darkness and being numb makes it much easier to bear. Even though you’re not next to me in this bed anymore, even though I must resort to seeing a picture of your gorgeous face in my head, even though I look into the boys eyes and want so badly to take their pain on for them, I can’t do these things alone. I need you, whether you’re here on earth or not, I need you.

Walk with me, talk to me, touch me, even when I don’t respond, I will somehow know you’re here. Our hearts are so kindred, there’s no way that I won’t feel you. I still need your guidance, support, advice, friendship, and most of all, your love. It nourishes my soul, help me feel whole again, please. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt numb and I don’t know how to find you. I know you can find me. You are everything good, and wonderful and loving in my world, find me so I can hold on to you. The boys are so strong, all they want to do is take care of me. They’ve seen me fall apart one to many times, but I’m almost certain there’s more to come. Help them Jason, give them the strength they need to feel your connection. We all need you.

I see your face every day I wake, I want so badly to hold you. I want to badly to feel the safety I always did when you wrapped your arms around me. I’m here, I’m waiting for you to wrap them around me again in the way only you know how. I’m not afraid Jason, I’m open to you. I can’t and never will stop loving you with every beat of my heart.

Yours always,